No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
