i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I did not marry a roomba.
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