just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
