I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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