Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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