My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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