Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
