i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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