I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
