its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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