i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
