wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dignity is for republicans.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
