He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
