Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
