Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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