i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
