She said her name was "party"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
