I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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