It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After tacos, we're chasing women.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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