His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
