There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
