I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
