Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
