My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
