Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize