I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
