Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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