I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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