that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have fence marks all over my body
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
there is glitter all over my balls
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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