Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
