I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
