Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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