I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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