Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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