I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
