She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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