So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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