The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
