ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
