she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
