last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
