I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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