my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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