I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
