Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
