you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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