I'm gonna have a badass scar
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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