Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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