Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
