sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
