Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
