i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize