Christians are straight up FREAKS
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
