he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
