i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
