How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
