There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
